While I was processing my own emotions, I was thinking of all the helpful things people have done to comfort me during two especially trying times that have befallen me this year. And so I thought I'd make a list to help you (and me) when someone else is grieving and we don't know what to say or do to be of comfort. (Funny how I don't know what to do at times. All I have to do is read this list. If these things comforted me, then I'm sure they would be ideas I could do for someone else!)

* food—You may have figured this out about me, but food is the way to my heart! I love food, and I loved the fact that people brought me food when I was down. Because who wants to decide what to do for dinner when your brain isn't functioning right? Some people took me out to eat. Some people brought meals. In the spring, my family sent us a fruit bouquet. (There's nothing like dark chocolate-covered ANYTHING to lift my spirits!) And Diet Coke—months ago Tabitha knew the way to make me smile by bringing me Diet Coke in my time of need, since I can't function without it! :) Back when we were at Christ's Church at Mason, Sally was always great at organizing food deliveries to friends! Food is so common, yet for me it helped so much!

* hugs—I'm a tactile person who feels much better when I've been given a hug. I feel that way every time I see my parents! And I especially remember when Susan gave me a hug at church when she first heard I had sad news. She didn't have words to say, but she didn't have to say anything; the hug was perfect. And I appreciated Melissa giving me a hug too. I know she's not a huge huggy person all the time herself, so it meant even more! :)

* the unexpected—Another thing Melissa did was to leave a book on my doorstep that she thought I'd like to borrow. She knew reading would be wonderful for me, and it was just what I needed. Lyndsey brought me flowers at Bible study. A freelancer I worked with but have never met face-to-face sent me flowers. Examples of unexpected tokens that let me know others thought of me.

* cards—How rare it is to receive cards in the mail anymore, right? Well Beth has an amazing card ministry. She has sent me cards during sad times and even everyday encouragements for no special occasion. They mean more than she will ever know. Audrey has done the same, never failing to make me smile with the cards (and photos!) she sends.

* visits—I know visiting is hard, especially in a hospital when someone is ill or going to someone's house, because you aren't sure what to say when you get there. And sometimes there isn't a lot to say. But it can mean a lot to have someone sit with you, even in silence. And grieving can happen when people fall ill themselves. Many people visited me when I was hospitalized several years ago. Carol and Mandi were great at that, coming to chat and make me feel normal again.

* specific offers—Where would I be without Sheryl and Ed watching Kaelyn for me? (That's on regular occasions, but in sad times too!) Sometimes people make that general offer, and I don't know whether to take them up on it, but Sheryl is always insistent and specific on times and dates. And the break in responsibility, just for a few hours, is what I need. Sometimes I offer to others in generalities, but I may have to change that now and ask, "When can I watch your kids for you?" or "When do you need a ride?" or "When can I take you out for coffee?" Not just a general offer, but find a specific time to help. Sometimes it's easier for people to accept and be helped when we are specific.

* keeping things normal—I appreciate the sentiment behind people trying to protect me. For instance, I had a friend not tell me someone was pregnant, thinking it might hurt my feelings after my miscarriage. That was very thoughtful. However, I don't know how it is for others, but for me, I don't want people to hold back information. It makes me feel left out. I can fully rejoice for others, even if I'm hurting. And I want to have the opportunity to share in everyday joys. Calling to invite people to join social events, even if they've just experienced a loss, can be helpful. They might need a distraction. Or they'll say no if the timing isn't right yet.

* prayers—I am the worst at praying for myself when something difficult happens to me. It's that fog again, clouding my thoughts. I know that in all my times of pain, I've been strengthened by others prayers when I didn't have words to pray myself. I didn't always know how to ask for prayer, even during prayer request time at Bible study. I appreciated when people prayed for me even when I didn't speak up. Or offers to pray WITH me, right at that moment. Obviously all prayers at any time are good! But the occasions when someone wants to talk to God with me, sitting right beside me, are so powerful. I remember my in-laws coming to the hospital years ago and bringing me the Lord's Supper and praying with me. Those are moments of God I will never forget.

I can't list all the ways and all the people who have encouraged me over the years. (I hate to begin naming names because I will leave someone out!) But these were specifics that came to mind, and I thought it might be a good list for me and anyone to consider when offering comfort to friends.

So I'm processing, and I thought I might do this online. I often read other people's blogs about emotional issues, and it helps me. Perhaps these thoughts can help someone else.

It has been a little over six weeks since we found out that we were not having the baby we were eagerly anticipating. And to be honest, Steve and I have both expressed that we can be happy whether the future holds another child or not. We are not "incomplete" in any way. We feel blessed with everything God has given us in life, and we are OK with however it turns out. Yet I still feel like I'm going through some grieving or maladjustment with my own emotions at times. It's not every day. But at times. It's just weirdness inside my head—and I think that everyone goes through funks at times, from different triggers. Maybe this was just my trigger.

I wrote this down last week when I was having a moment:
I feel like an egg. I'm looking good and whole and composed. Yet the slightest turbulence makes me feel as if I'm cracking open and spilling out. It comes unexpectedly when I think things are OK. Tears come over something small.

Makes me want to nestle away in my mind, shutting everyone out. Or I feel like snuggling up in my cozy Grinch pants and Snoopy sweatshirt and hide and not face the dishes or the dirty bathrooms or even the simplest decision, like what to fix for dinner.

I keep up a good appearance on the outside, smiling and enjoying people. And I do enjoy people. But I'm ignoring thoughts. When I'm by myself, I must distract myself. I end up using some sort of media or game or anything to avoid the silence. And I used to love and crave silence.

I talk to God in snippets, but at times I've tuned out opportunities for long conversation.

I feel like eating junk foods (but that's just normal!) and buying stuff for me and Kaelyn every time we are out, when I'm normally a tightwad and not prone to use shopping as a catharsis. I'm unmotivated to do things that used to motivate me. I don't know why or how to change any of it right now.

That's what I wrote last week. I also feel like I've given in to some angry feelings, lashing out at Steve or Kaelyn or even inanimate objects when things don't go my way. I feel like I keep justifying these emotions and bad habits, thinking I deserve it somehow as a comfort. I think I've made progress in a few areas the past few days, so that's good.

I also realized that I need comfort from people, even when it looks like I have everything together. When we first got the news and told people, they asked how I was. I could tell certain people felt awkward about asking, just as I feel awkward knowing how to comfort people at times. Subconsciously, I tried alleviating such awkwardness by giving short answers and changing the subject. Later I'd be sad, thinking I had passed up an opportunity to be comforted . . . or to explain that I was in pain. I don't mind that people know I'm sad. I just don't always know how to express that verbally. Which is why I write! :)

That's where I am. I'm just trying to figure out why I feel the way I feel and finding motivation to do some things I've been putting off. I'm not walking around with a little grey cloud over my head all the time. I'm just in and out of some emotional fog. Can we make a deal? If you see me foggy, please ask how I'm doing, and I'll try to get over my awkwardness and give you an honest answer! And if you're in a fog from grief or from anything, no matter what it is or how long it's been, I'll do the same for you.

I am now the proud owner of four pieces of Arian Armstrong art.

I discovered Arian's talent through being friends with her sister and brother-in-law, Andrea and Tye, and from working for years with her aunt Lynn. Then I heard about her some more as my former employer hired Arian, her husband, and her mom to create a book.

Now I'm hooked on Arian's blog, keeping up with her amazing artwork and photography, among many other skills. And for a while now I've been wanting to make a purchase. It just took me a while to figure out what I wanted. When I saw the two pieces above, I just had to get them for Kaelyn's room. I also got two others to make a nice set! It was my first purchase off Etsy.

Check out her work sometime: http://ariansstudio.blogspot.com/

Title of this post = a summation of all the events that have gone on these past few weeks, including a 60th birthday celebration for my dad! We've crammed a lot of activity into the last 15 days.

I've got one more Kaelyn post before I get back to sharing some of my own thoughts around my blog. But this made my day:

We had lots of errands to run today, so we began our day with breakfast at McDonalds. We went to the Hyde Park location. Hadn’t been there in several months. As we left, we said bye to an older woman who works there. I recalled meeting her several months ago, but we hadn’t seen her since. And we hadn't talked to her today except on our way out the door. As started to walk out, Kaelyn looked at her and said, “Bye, Rose!”

I looked at the woman’s name tag, and Kaelyn was right! At first I thought, She's just learning to read, so she didn't read it. Could a 3-year-old really remember her name from one conversation we had with her months ago?

The woman was surprised and flattered and smiled really big as we went out.

Outside on the way to the car, I told Kaelyn she was beautiful. That is honestly the first word that came to mind. I felt like I saw God's beauty as He used a little girl to make this woman smile.

I asked Kaelyn how she remembered her name. She said, “I asked her name, and she told me Rose. Rose is a flower that we smell.”

Today, stop and smell the roses and bless someone as you do.

Here's our little ballerina butterfly. That's what Kaelyn called her costume. Really, the entire outfit was inspired by our trips to the library, when she discovered the character Fancy Nancy. Here is the specific book cover from which the outfit was derived! (Thanks, Nana and Baba, for getting Kaelyn her very own copy of the book!) See what reading does to a child?! :)
We had a lot of fun at trick or treating time tonight. 16 of us gathered at Echo to give out treats. Five people came in costume—nice! (Steve and I didn't get any outfits together. Too busy outfitting Kaelyn! ha ha) We had music playing and tons of candy, snacks, etc. Steve and I took took Kaelyn to about 7 or 8 houses on the street where the church is. She liked that, but she also had just as much fun handing out candy to the kids who came by. She was thrilled to talk to them, look at their outfits, and make sure each person had enough treats!

Steve loves to entertain the masses. He did some dancing in the street (yes, IN the street, great example for our child, who knew she had to stay on the curb!) to Michael Jackson music and to "Livin' On A Prayer" (of course).

And here are two pics from the family pumpkin carving earlier this week. Kaelyn was at first scared when I told her the pumpkin had goop for us to scoop out. Then she seemed to enjoy it. Later, we enjoyed baking and eating the seeds.

And check out Steve's carving skills. That's the head of Dora. Isn't he creative?! What parents will do for a kid! :)

So in continuation of photo week of my child, here are some candids of Kaelyn's soccer season. It by no means is a competitive situation at all. We joined in the fun to continue developing friendships with some Mt. Adams families we hung out with at the community pool last year and this year. Kaelyn played with them in the spring, and enjoyed meeting kids, but she didn't like to actually participate much, especially when they had to line up and do warm-ups!

This fall was different. Her increased age, her better developed friendships with the kids, and her daddy as one of the coaches all added up to a fun session. The kids split up into age groups and learn some skills, and then they'd play a little scrimmage (amoeba ball, everyone bunched together!) at the end.

Last week was the last meeting, and the kids and the coaches challenged all the rest of the parents to a big game. The kids won (despite some parents who really wanted to score!), and I was especially thankful for the mom who was the parent goalie the second half, who helped allow Kaelyn the joy of making a goal!

The main goal was accomplished: Kaelyn made some new friends (and so did I), and we already had a playdate today that came from it!


Coach Daddy leading some jumping jack warm-ups.
Kaelyn is closest to the goalie in this next one, having just kicked the ball (or at least touched it accidentally, but it looks good!).

Kaelyn's love of animals, her interest in watching the Derby, Preakness, and other races this year, and my Kentucky roots in horse country all added up to my idea that she might like watching horse races at Keeneland. So last week on the beautiful Wednesday that we had, Kaelyn and I headed to Lexington, my parents took the afternoon off, and the four of us had a great day watching the ponies run! (Kaelyn kept calling it "the horse games.")

I was surprised that she had enough attention span to stay for 6 races, but she kept wanting to watch. With a half hour between each race, that's a good chunk of time for a 3-year-old! Here are some pics. First is Kaelyn and my mom meeting a Clydesdale (brought in by Budweiser; he was apparently in commercials). Second is my dad and Kaelyn meeting a horse that leads in the race horses and keeps them calm. (Kaelyn had a good seat for several races, right on the rail!)



We saw Calvin Borel, the jockey who won this year's Kentucky Derby and who rode Kaelyn's favorite horse, Rachel Alexandra, to win this year's Preakness. After Kaelyn watched Rachel Alexandra win the Preakness, she now calls every horse Rachel.


Kaelyn loved playing with my binoculars. Doesn't she look official?


The last is Kaelyn cheering after her horse won. (She picked two winners in a row because she thought they were pretty. Guess we should have bet on them?!) I think she looks super old in this photo though!

Random note: for any of you who look at the blog directly (not through a Reader feed or Facebook), sorry that the titles of these posts aren't showing up right now. I know it's been like that for a while. Steve explained the issue, and it will eventually get fixed. But if you're ever dying to know what massively creative title I've come up with (ha ha), you can scroll your mouse over where the title should be, and it should show up in light blue. At least it does on my Mozilla browser.

Cincinnati's Books by the Banks occurred on October 17, and Kaelyn got to meet some literary friends.



When Steve saw the costumed characters, he asked: Is Clifford really small or is Curious George really big?

For a few weeks, we anticipated gaining a new precious member of the family. But before we could even share the news of the pregnancy with everyone, we found out yesterday that we have experienced another loss. Just two months along, and the little one is, as we told Kaelyn, now in heaven where God is taking care of it.

Two losses in a year has been a hard road to go. At least we know God's strength and dwell in it.